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Top funny medical quotes
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
They certainly give very strange names to diseases.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.
Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.
Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only pain we obey.
Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness.
A physician’s physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric’s divinity has to his power of influencing conduct.
You may not be able to read a doctor’s handwriting and prescription, but you’ll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.
Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn’t organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.
Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm.
The best doctor is the one you run to and can’t find.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.
As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified.
Time is generally the best doctor.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves most things, in fact, are better in the morning.
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it.
I was always shocked when I went to the doctor’s office and they did my X-ray and didn’t find that I had eight more ribs than I should have or that my blood was the color green.
In the name of Hypocrites, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.
The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing.
I’m 86 and my doctor used to tell me to slow down – at least he did until he dropped dead.
Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shell.
You can die of the cure before you die of the illness.
People are so afraid of authority figures and doctors are authority figures.
The physician’s highest calling, his only calling, is to make sick people healthy – to heal, as it is termed.
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing.
Growing up, my dolls were doctors and on secret missions. I had Barbie Goes Rambo.
When a man goes through six years training to be a doctor he will never be the same. He knows too much.
Flying back from New York, the flight attendant said ‘God, I wished you were here yesterday, we had a stroke on the plane. I said, if I have a stroke on a plane, I hope the pretend doctor isn’t the one on the plane. I want a real doctor.
America has the best doctors, the best nurses, the best hospitals, the best medical technology, the best medical breakthrough medicines in the world. There is absolutely no reason we should not have in this country the best health care in the world.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
I’m strongly for a patient Bill of Rights. Decisions ought to be made by doctors, not accountants.
I’m by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I’ve seen it save a lot of people’s lives.
Mammograms are really sort of a gift. You can either catch something early or count your lucky stars because nothing was discovered. Either way, you’re ahead of the game.
If you look at the human condition today, not everyone is well fed, has access to good medical care, or the physical basics that provide for a healthy and a happy life.
Passion, you see, can be destroyed by a doctor. It cannot be created.
In the sick room, ten cents’ worth of human understanding equals ten dollars’ worth of medical science.
Medical liability reform is not a Republican or Democrat issue or even a doctor versus lawyer issue. It is a patient issue.
The art of medicine was to be properly learned only from its practice and its exercise.
A pregnant woman facing the most dire circumstances must be able to count on her doctor to do what is medically necessary to protect her from serious physical harm.
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
Honestly, being a doctor could make you more close minded than regular people.
As a physician, I know many doctors want to utilize new technology, but they find the cost prohibitive.
I regret to this day that I never went to college. I feel I should have been a doctor.
One has a greater sense of degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.
Doctors coin money when they do procedures but family medicine doesn’t have any procedures.
If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking… is freedom.
The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
You know, if I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough, I would be convinced we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.
These technologies can make life easier, can let us touch people we might not otherwise. You may have a child with a birth defect and be able to get in touch with other parents and support groups, get medical information, the latest experimental drugs. These things can profoundly influence life. I’m not downplaying that.
We can’t get to the $4 trillion in savings that we need by just cutting the 12 percent of the budget that pays for things like medical research and education funding and food inspectors and the weather service. And we can’t just do it by making seniors pay more for Medicare.
I had the privilege of practicing medicine in the early ’60s, before we had any government. It worked rather well, and there was nobody on the street suffering with no medical care.
If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the ‘will of the people’ goes out the window.
The rich man’s dog gets more in the way of vaccination, medicine and medical care than do the workers upon whom the rich man’s wealth is built.
Vaccination is the medical sacrament corresponding to baptism. Whether it is or is not more efficacious I do not know.
Folks, the most insidious part of this whole health care scheme is that all of these vast medical expenditures will become nothing more than government budget items. We individuals will no longer exist. The relationship between a government and citizen will change forever.
Completeness? Happiness? These words don’t come close to describing my emotions. There truly is nothing I can say to capture what motherhood means to me, particularly given my medical history.
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
I went to medical school because I wanted to ask the big questions. Do we have a soul? Does God exist? What happens after death?
No one should have to choose between medicine and other necessities. No one should have to use the emergency room every time a child gets sick. And no one should have to live in constant fear that a medical problem will become a financial crisis.
Medical science has proven time and again that when the resources are provided, great progress in the treatment, cure, and prevention of disease can occur.
It seems sensible to me that we should look to the medical profession, that over the centuries has helped us to live longer and healthier lives, to help us die peacefully among our loved ones in our own home without a long stay in God’s waiting room.
I believe it should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer.
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
A retired teacher paid $62,000 towards her pension and nothing, yes nothing, for full family medical, dental and vision coverage over her entire career. What will we pay her? $1.4 million in pension benefits and another $215,000 in health care benefit premiums over her lifetime.
The medical literature tells us that the most effective ways to reduce the risk of heart disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, and many more problems are through healthy diet and exercise. Our bodies have evolved to move, yet we now use the energy in oil instead of muscles to do our work.
Against the State, against the Church, against the silence of the medical profession, against the whole machinery of dead institutions of the past, the woman of today arises.
Stay out of the sun, because it is the worst thing in terms of aging. I’m very medical. I come from a medical family.
What’s important at the grocery store is just as important in engines or medical systems. If the customer isn’t satisfied, if the stuff is getting stale, if the shelf isn’t right, or if the offerings aren’t right, it’s the same thing. You manage it like a small organization. You don’t get hung up on zeros.
Information on how to heal autism and how to possibly delay vaccines or prevent autism shouldn’t come from me. It should come from the medical establishment.
I have been recently diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome, an autoimmune disease which is an ongoing medical condition that affects my energy level and causes fatigue and joint pain.
Civil and political rights are critical, but not often the real problem for the destitute sick. My patients in Haiti can now vote but they can’t get medical care or clean water.
I know we can’t always know what medical surprises may happen during childbirth. But my hope is to go fully natural – no epidural, no interventions. Wish me luck.
But I contend that if we’re providing total medical coverage for every man, woman, and child in Iraq, shouldn’t we at least be doing the same thing for every man, woman, and child in the United States?
Money has transformed every watchdog, every independent authority. Medical doctors are increasingly gulled by the lobbying of pharmaceutical salesmen.
Liberal that I am, I support health-care reform on its merits alone. My liberal blood boils, for example, when I read that half of the personal bankruptcies in this country are brought on, in part, by medical expenses.
My dad’s a doctor, and when I was 8, I went to one of his medical conferences where they were demonstrating laser surgery on a chicken. I was so mad that a chicken had to die, I never ate meat again.
I first wanted to be a psychiatrist. I decided against that in medical school when I discovered that psychiatrists didn’t, in reality, do what they did on TV.
Over the years my mother’s steadfast faith in God has inspired me, particularly when I had to perform extremely difficult surgical procedures or when I found myself faced with my own medical scare.
I think first and foremost everybody should understand that Canadians are strongly committed to the system of universal health insurance, to the principle that your ability to pay does not determine your access to critical medical service.
The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness.
If we can reduce the cost and improve the quality of medical technology through advances in nanotechnology, we can more widely address the medical conditions that are prevalent and reduce the level of human suffering.
My parents and grandparents have always been engaged in teaching or the medical profession or the priesthood, so I’ve sort of grown up with a sense of complicity in the lives of other people, so there’s no virtue in that it’s the way one is raised.
Medical knowledge and technical savvy are biodegradable. The sort of medicine that was practiced in Boston or New York or Atlanta fifty years ago would be as strange to a medical student or intern today as the ceremonial dance of a !Kung San tribe would seem to a rock festival audience in Hackensack.
The dilemma of modern medicine, and the underlying central flaw in medical education and, most of all, in the training of interns, is the irresistible drive to do something, anything. It is expected by patients and too often agreed to by their doctors, in the face of ignorance.
It worries me about our unwillingness to really address reforms and modernization in Medicare. This thing was designed 37 years ago. It has not evolved to keep pace with current medical technology.
Mind you, I’ve always been a very off-message type of fat broad one who gladly admits she reached the size she is now solely through lack of discipline and love of pleasure, and who rather despises people (except those with proven medical conditions) who pretend that it is generally otherwise.
One goes through school, college, medical school and one’s internship learning little or nothing about goodness but a good deal about success.
There have been some medical schools in which somewhere along the assembly line, a faculty member has informed the students, not so much by what he said but by what he did, that there is an intimate relation between curing and caring.
It is clear that the pharmaceutical industry is not, by any stretch of the imagination, doing enough to ensure that the poor have access to adequate medical care.
The main reason for the failure of the modern medical science is that it is dealing with results and not causes. Nothing more than the patching up of those attacked and the burying of those who are slain, without a thought being given to the real strong hold.
I read Freud’s Introductory Lectures in Psychoanalysis in basically one sitting. I decided to enroll in medical school. It was almost like a conversion experience.
Citizens must pressure the American Hospital Association, the American Public Health Association, the Centers for Disease Control and other relevant governmental agencies to make greening our hospitals and medical centers a top priority so that they themselves don’t create even more illness.
We need to accept the seemingly obvious fact that a toxic environment can make people sick and that no amount of medical intervention can protect us. The health care community must become a powerful political lobby for environmental policy and legislation.
I have written two medical novels. I have never studied medicine, never seen an operation.
Medical debts are the number-one cause of bankruptcy in America.
I took anatomy classes. I went to medical libraries and talked to doctors and nutritionists. I did the whole thing before using myself as a human guinea pig.
The patient’s autonomy always, always should be respected, even if it is absolutely contrary – the decision is contrary to best medical advice and what the physician wants.
I’m trying to knock the medical profession into accepting its responsibilities, and those responsibilities include assisting their patients with death.
And as a nurse, I know very well the importance, for example, of electronic medical records.
I mean, everybody should have access to medical care. And, you know, it shouldn’t be such a big deal.
Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’
As far as hypnosis is concerned, I had a very serious problem when I was in my twenties. I encountered a man who later became the president of the American Society of Medical Hypnosis. He couldn’t hypnotize me.
I don’t think there’s any independent cartoonist whose stuff I don’t like or respect in at least some way or another. We’re all marginal laborers – we’re practically medical oddities – so I don’t see why we can’t all be nice to each other.
President Obama and his radical feminist enforcers have had it in for Catholic medical providers from the get-go. It’s about time all people of faith fought back against this unprecedented encroachment on religious liberty. First, they came for the Catholics. Who’s next?
The public has lost faith in the ability of Social Security and Medicare to provide for old age. They’ve lost faith in the banking system and in conventional medical insurance.
Five thousand people every day lose their home because of a medical bankruptcy. Most of them had insurance.
Medical professionals, not insurance company bureaucrats, should be making health care decisions.
We have the greatest hospitals, doctors, and medical technology in the world – we need to make them accessible to every American.
Remember, I’m a doctor’s daughter. So obviously I’m interested in all medical things.
It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.
Many of these funny medical quotes are the result of a collection from various sources; such as newspapers, magazines, bible, other speakers, write-ups, seminars, articles and websites and every effort has been made to give credit where it is due for the material contained herein.
Most of these funny medical quotes’ meanings are straight forward and easy to understand probably due to their simplicity or nature of their authors, and other funny medical quotes may sound like parables or proverbs which might be difficult to understand their meanings. When you come across difficult quotes, Please read the quote more than once or repeatedly until you get the meaning.
For some funny medical quotes, you must think deeply and apply wisdom before you can get their meanings. I believe you will learn and apply the lessons contained in some of these funny medical quotes in your daily life because some of these quotes have already influenced many peoples’ decisions and actions
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