120 Funny Medical Quotes – Explore and Laugh

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Fatherprada’s top collection of funny medical quotes and these quotes and can be inspirational or completely funny. These funny medical quotes cover different topics, and as such, you can copy and send these funny medical quotes to friends and family in other to inspire or address a situation.

Fatherprada’s quotes collections are powerful resource tools in areas of personal growth, life issues, relationship, religious, leadership, society, business, Medicine and meditation. From these funny medical quotes, you can derive inspiration, motivation and even hope from time to time.

Furthermore, you can spice up your speeches, reports, presentations, blogs, or use them as thoughtful words to your friends and loved ones. It is our sincere hope that you find the right funny medical quotes you have been looking for and also to make here your final bus stop for quotes.

 

Top funny medical quotes

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

— Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

— Groucho Marx

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

— Erma Bombeck

They certainly give very strange names to diseases.

— Plato

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

— Erma Bombeck

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.

— Anton Chekhov

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

— Anton Chekhov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

— Arthur Schopenhauer

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

— Isaac Asimov

Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only pain we obey.

— Marcel Proust

Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness.

— Marcel Proust

A physician’s physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric’s divinity has to his power of influencing conduct.

— Samuel Butler

You may not be able to read a doctor’s handwriting and prescription, but you’ll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

— Earl Wilson

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn’t organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

— Ivan Illich

Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm.

— Hippocrates

The best doctor is the one you run to and can’t find.

— Denis Diderot

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

— Rita Rudner

As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified.

— Jack Kevorkian

Time is generally the best doctor.

— Ovid

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

— Walter Matthau

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

— Henny Youngman

The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves most things, in fact, are better in the morning.

— Lewis Thomas

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it.

— Ovid

I was always shocked when I went to the doctor’s office and they did my X-ray and didn’t find that I had eight more ribs than I should have or that my blood was the color green.

— Nicolas Cage

In the name of Hypocrites, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.

— Edward Everett Hale

The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing.

— Dizzy Dean

I’m 86 and my doctor used to tell me to slow down – at least he did until he dropped dead.

— Cesar Romero

Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shell.

— Cass Canfield

You can die of the cure before you die of the illness.

— Michael Landon

People are so afraid of authority figures and doctors are authority figures.

— Martha Beck

The physician’s highest calling, his only calling, is to make sick people healthy – to heal, as it is termed.

— Samuel Hahnemann

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing.

— Norman Cousins

Growing up, my dolls were doctors and on secret missions. I had Barbie Goes Rambo.

— Zoe Saldana

When a man goes through six years training to be a doctor he will never be the same. He knows too much.

— Enid Bagnold

Flying back from New York, the flight attendant said ‘God, I wished you were here yesterday, we had a stroke on the plane. I said, if I have a stroke on a plane, I hope the pretend doctor isn’t the one on the plane. I want a real doctor.

— Anthony Edwards

America has the best doctors, the best nurses, the best hospitals, the best medical technology, the best medical breakthrough medicines in the world. There is absolutely no reason we should not have in this country the best health care in the world.

— Bill Frist

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

— Jay London

I’m strongly for a patient Bill of Rights. Decisions ought to be made by doctors, not accountants.

— Charles Schumer

I’m by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I’ve seen it save a lot of people’s lives.

— Zach Braff

Mammograms are really sort of a gift. You can either catch something early or count your lucky stars because nothing was discovered. Either way, you’re ahead of the game.

— Charlotte Ross

If you look at the human condition today, not everyone is well fed, has access to good medical care, or the physical basics that provide for a healthy and a happy life.

— Ralph Merkle

Passion, you see, can be destroyed by a doctor. It cannot be created.

— Peter Shaffer

In the sick room, ten cents’ worth of human understanding equals ten dollars’ worth of medical science.

— Martin H. Fischer

Medical liability reform is not a Republican or Democrat issue or even a doctor versus lawyer issue. It is a patient issue.

— John Ensign

The art of medicine was to be properly learned only from its practice and its exercise.

— Thomas Sydenham

A pregnant woman facing the most dire circumstances must be able to count on her doctor to do what is medically necessary to protect her from serious physical harm.

— Barbara Mikulski

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

— James H. Boren

Honestly, being a doctor could make you more close minded than regular people.

— Alex Chiu

As a physician, I know many doctors want to utilize new technology, but they find the cost prohibitive.

— Nathan Deal

I regret to this day that I never went to college. I feel I should have been a doctor.

— Ty Cobb

One has a greater sense of degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.

— Alice James

Doctors coin money when they do procedures but family medicine doesn’t have any procedures.

— David Jones

If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking… is freedom.

— Dwight D. Eisenhower

The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

— Mark Twain

You know, if I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough, I would be convinced we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.

— Ronald Reagan

These technologies can make life easier, can let us touch people we might not otherwise. You may have a child with a birth defect and be able to get in touch with other parents and support groups, get medical information, the latest experimental drugs. These things can profoundly influence life. I’m not downplaying that.

— Steve Jobs

We can’t get to the $4 trillion in savings that we need by just cutting the 12 percent of the budget that pays for things like medical research and education funding and food inspectors and the weather service. And we can’t just do it by making seniors pay more for Medicare.

— Barack Obama

I had the privilege of practicing medicine in the early ’60s, before we had any government. It worked rather well, and there was nobody on the street suffering with no medical care.

— Ron Paul

If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

— Bill Hicks

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the ‘will of the people’ goes out the window.

— Bill Maher

The rich man’s dog gets more in the way of vaccination, medicine and medical care than do the workers upon whom the rich man’s wealth is built.

— Samora Machel

Vaccination is the medical sacrament corresponding to baptism. Whether it is or is not more efficacious I do not know.

— Samuel Butler

Folks, the most insidious part of this whole health care scheme is that all of these vast medical expenditures will become nothing more than government budget items. We individuals will no longer exist. The relationship between a government and citizen will change forever.

— Rush Limbaugh

Completeness? Happiness? These words don’t come close to describing my emotions. There truly is nothing I can say to capture what motherhood means to me, particularly given my medical history.

— Anita Baker

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

— Tina Fey

I went to medical school because I wanted to ask the big questions. Do we have a soul? Does God exist? What happens after death?

— Deepak Chopra

No one should have to choose between medicine and other necessities. No one should have to use the emergency room every time a child gets sick. And no one should have to live in constant fear that a medical problem will become a financial crisis.

— Brad Henry

Medical science has proven time and again that when the resources are provided, great progress in the treatment, cure, and prevention of disease can occur.

— Michael J. Fox

It seems sensible to me that we should look to the medical profession, that over the centuries has helped us to live longer and healthier lives, to help us die peacefully among our loved ones in our own home without a long stay in God’s waiting room.

— Terry Pratchett

I believe it should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer.

— Terry Pratchett

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

— Abe Lemons

A retired teacher paid $62,000 towards her pension and nothing, yes nothing, for full family medical, dental and vision coverage over her entire career. What will we pay her? $1.4 million in pension benefits and another $215,000 in health care benefit premiums over her lifetime.

— Chris Christie

The medical literature tells us that the most effective ways to reduce the risk of heart disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, and many more problems are through healthy diet and exercise. Our bodies have evolved to move, yet we now use the energy in oil instead of muscles to do our work.

— David Suzuki

Against the State, against the Church, against the silence of the medical profession, against the whole machinery of dead institutions of the past, the woman of today arises.

— Margaret Sanger

Stay out of the sun, because it is the worst thing in terms of aging. I’m very medical. I come from a medical family.

— Nicole Kidman

What’s important at the grocery store is just as important in engines or medical systems. If the customer isn’t satisfied, if the stuff is getting stale, if the shelf isn’t right, or if the offerings aren’t right, it’s the same thing. You manage it like a small organization. You don’t get hung up on zeros.

— Jack Welch

Information on how to heal autism and how to possibly delay vaccines or prevent autism shouldn’t come from me. It should come from the medical establishment.

— Jenny McCarthy

I have been recently diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome, an autoimmune disease which is an ongoing medical condition that affects my energy level and causes fatigue and joint pain.

— Venus Williams

Civil and political rights are critical, but not often the real problem for the destitute sick. My patients in Haiti can now vote but they can’t get medical care or clean water.

— Paul Farmer

I know we can’t always know what medical surprises may happen during childbirth. But my hope is to go fully natural – no epidural, no interventions. Wish me luck.

— Danica McKellar

But I contend that if we’re providing total medical coverage for every man, woman, and child in Iraq, shouldn’t we at least be doing the same thing for every man, woman, and child in the United States?

— Tony Campolo

Money has transformed every watchdog, every independent authority. Medical doctors are increasingly gulled by the lobbying of pharmaceutical salesmen.

— Thomas Frank

Liberal that I am, I support health-care reform on its merits alone. My liberal blood boils, for example, when I read that half of the personal bankruptcies in this country are brought on, in part, by medical expenses.

— Thomas Frank

My dad’s a doctor, and when I was 8, I went to one of his medical conferences where they were demonstrating laser surgery on a chicken. I was so mad that a chicken had to die, I never ate meat again.

— Natalie Portman

I first wanted to be a psychiatrist. I decided against that in medical school when I discovered that psychiatrists didn’t, in reality, do what they did on TV.

— Benjamin Carson

Over the years my mother’s steadfast faith in God has inspired me, particularly when I had to perform extremely difficult surgical procedures or when I found myself faced with my own medical scare.

— Benjamin Carson

I think first and foremost everybody should understand that Canadians are strongly committed to the system of universal health insurance, to the principle that your ability to pay does not determine your access to critical medical service.

— Stephen Harper

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness.

— Arlen Specter

If we can reduce the cost and improve the quality of medical technology through advances in nanotechnology, we can more widely address the medical conditions that are prevalent and reduce the level of human suffering.

— Ralph Merkle

My parents and grandparents have always been engaged in teaching or the medical profession or the priesthood, so I’ve sort of grown up with a sense of complicity in the lives of other people, so there’s no virtue in that it’s the way one is raised.

— Colin Firth

Medical knowledge and technical savvy are biodegradable. The sort of medicine that was practiced in Boston or New York or Atlanta fifty years ago would be as strange to a medical student or intern today as the ceremonial dance of a !Kung San tribe would seem to a rock festival audience in Hackensack.

— Lewis Thomas

The dilemma of modern medicine, and the underlying central flaw in medical education and, most of all, in the training of interns, is the irresistible drive to do something, anything. It is expected by patients and too often agreed to by their doctors, in the face of ignorance.

— Lewis Thomas

It worries me about our unwillingness to really address reforms and modernization in Medicare. This thing was designed 37 years ago. It has not evolved to keep pace with current medical technology.

— John Sununu

Mind you, I’ve always been a very off-message type of fat broad one who gladly admits she reached the size she is now solely through lack of discipline and love of pleasure, and who rather despises people (except those with proven medical conditions) who pretend that it is generally otherwise.

— Julie Burchill

One goes through school, college, medical school and one’s internship learning little or nothing about goodness but a good deal about success.

— Ashley Montagu

There have been some medical schools in which somewhere along the assembly line, a faculty member has informed the students, not so much by what he said but by what he did, that there is an intimate relation between curing and caring.

— Ashley Montagu

It is clear that the pharmaceutical industry is not, by any stretch of the imagination, doing enough to ensure that the poor have access to adequate medical care.

— Paul Farmer

The main reason for the failure of the modern medical science is that it is dealing with results and not causes. Nothing more than the patching up of those attacked and the burying of those who are slain, without a thought being given to the real strong hold.

— Edward Bach

I read Freud’s Introductory Lectures in Psychoanalysis in basically one sitting. I decided to enroll in medical school. It was almost like a conversion experience.

— Stanislav Grof

Citizens must pressure the American Hospital Association, the American Public Health Association, the Centers for Disease Control and other relevant governmental agencies to make greening our hospitals and medical centers a top priority so that they themselves don’t create even more illness.

— Andrew Weil

We need to accept the seemingly obvious fact that a toxic environment can make people sick and that no amount of medical intervention can protect us. The health care community must become a powerful political lobby for environmental policy and legislation.

— Andrew Weil

I have written two medical novels. I have never studied medicine, never seen an operation.

— Taylor Caldwell

Medical debts are the number-one cause of bankruptcy in America.

— Barbara Ehrenreich

I took anatomy classes. I went to medical libraries and talked to doctors and nutritionists. I did the whole thing before using myself as a human guinea pig.

— Marilu Henner

The patient’s autonomy always, always should be respected, even if it is absolutely contrary – the decision is contrary to best medical advice and what the physician wants.

— Jack Kevorkian

I’m trying to knock the medical profession into accepting its responsibilities, and those responsibilities include assisting their patients with death.

— Jack Kevorkian

And as a nurse, I know very well the importance, for example, of electronic medical records.

— Lois Capps

I mean, everybody should have access to medical care. And, you know, it shouldn’t be such a big deal.

— Paul Farmer

Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’

— Jimmy Fallon

As far as hypnosis is concerned, I had a very serious problem when I was in my twenties. I encountered a man who later became the president of the American Society of Medical Hypnosis. He couldn’t hypnotize me.

— Theodore Sturgeon

I don’t think there’s any independent cartoonist whose stuff I don’t like or respect in at least some way or another. We’re all marginal laborers – we’re practically medical oddities – so I don’t see why we can’t all be nice to each other.

— Chris Ware

President Obama and his radical feminist enforcers have had it in for Catholic medical providers from the get-go. It’s about time all people of faith fought back against this unprecedented encroachment on religious liberty. First, they came for the Catholics. Who’s next?

— Michelle Malkin

The public has lost faith in the ability of Social Security and Medicare to provide for old age. They’ve lost faith in the banking system and in conventional medical insurance.

— Ron Chernow

Five thousand people every day lose their home because of a medical bankruptcy. Most of them had insurance.

— Debbie Stabenow

Medical professionals, not insurance company bureaucrats, should be making health care decisions.

— Barbara Boxer

We have the greatest hospitals, doctors, and medical technology in the world – we need to make them accessible to every American.

— Barbara Boxer

Remember, I’m a doctor’s daughter. So obviously I’m interested in all medical things.

— Nancy Reagan

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

— P. G. Wodehouse

 

Many of these funny medical quotes are the result of a collection from various sources; such as newspapers, magazines, bible, other speakers, write-ups, seminars, articles and websites and every effort has been made to give credit where it is due for the material contained herein.

Most of these funny medical quotes’ meanings are straight forward and easy to understand probably due to their simplicity or nature of their authors, and other funny medical quotes may sound like parables or proverbs which might be difficult to understand their meanings. When you come across difficult quotes, Please read the quote more than once or repeatedly until you get the meaning.

For some funny medical quotes, you must think deeply and apply wisdom before you can get their meanings. I believe you will learn and apply the lessons contained in some of these funny medical quotes in your daily life because some of these quotes have already influenced many peoples’ decisions and actions

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